Picture this: you're sipping your morning coffee (or crying into it, your choice) when your inbox pings an email from your sales manager. You nonchalantly open it, and bam! They announce that the sales quota just went from challenging to "let's-see-if-you-have-supernatural-powers" level. Congratulations, folks, your quota has officially increased! Buckle up, because we're about to embark on a rollercoaster ride of insane targets, comical mishaps, and outrageous expectations.
Operation "Surviving Quadruple Quota": Now that the quota has gone up as fast as your stress levels, it's time to gather the troops and strategize. Cue the intense brainstorming sessions, where everyone frantically hatches cunning plans like promising features we don’t have or saying yes to everything and anything. The more outrageous the idea, the better chance it has of working, right?
The Great Pep-Talk Ritual: To motivate the sales team to reach for the stars, the managers bring in "inspirational" guest speakers like infamous motivational gurus or some-boomer-that-did-sales-20-years-ago-and-still-thinks-sales-is-the-same-as-it-was-20-years-ago-but-it’s-not-the-buyers-market-has-changed-significantly-and-their-sales-knowledge-is-utterly-useless-now-but-they-are-a-friend-of-the-CRO-so-you-gotta-fuckin-listen-to-this-absolute-fucklehead-spew-nonsense-once-a-week. These speeches promise epic sales growth, and they're as convincing as a dog imitating a cat – hilarious, but not quite believable.
The Cocaine Chronicles: As the sales targets skyrocket, the 2nd generation iPad screen becomes your best friend. Forget about a tight nip here and there; the nose candy will now pump through your veins like the fuel for your sales superpowers. You and your team will soon be known as the Belushi Boys or the Pearl Express. Time to prove cocaine-fueled sales pitches are the real deal!
In all seriousness, if your quota is going up, only thing you can do for the moment is roll with the punches and see where it takes you in a quarter or two. If you really don’t think it’s a fair number, start the PIP now (paid-interview-process).
As always, keep Absolutely Crushing It! folks.
